It’s 2 am and all I can think about is killing myself. It is the most reasonable conclusion to end all of my problems. It’s dark and I can’t see a single thing. I visualize every object inside of my bedroom. A desk, a chair, a closet, a pile of dirty clothes that looks like a Christmas tree.
I vividly remember my Christmas day two years ago. I was alone in a house in the middle of nowhere. I bought vanilla ice-cream, chicken breast and one kilo of rice. I watched something on tv sipping a can of beer like a fine dry gin. Seems like yesterday. I had a good time. For some reason I cannot remember last year Christmas. Memory is a funny thing.
It’s too dark. I open my eyes and I close them. No difference. It doesn’t even seem I am living. I am in another dimension, floating inside a pool of negative emotions. I am almost sure I am not in the real world. It’s similar to the distorted vision of the hotel in Murakami’s novel or in Silent Hill II. There are no noises outside the window. My body is silent. It seems I forgot how to breathe.
Is there a solution for this?
Of course there is. I could stop drinking Monster. I could start by having a positive attitude. I could open up a little bit. Or I could die, living in this ethereal world made of darkness and silence. It’s not that bad. Nothing good will ever happen but, at the same time, nothing bad will happen. The risk is too big. At least for me.
This is the time I feel alive the most.
A place in the heart of darkness made only for me. No job, no talking, no duties… but also no happiness, no catharsis and no life. Mere relief. Maybe this is the reason why I don’t sleep at night. This is where I belong. I don’t want to wake up and join nonfictional life.
I want to stay in this distorted hotel of mine. Every time I am forced to leave it I experience a little death. I decide to get up from the bed. It’s like I have chains all over my wrists but somehow I manage to get up. I dress and I leave my room. Ii put my headphones on. ‘Little Dark Age’ is the first song on my playlist and I press ‘play’ without hesitation. It’s 3 am and it’s raining outside.
I am going out for a walk.